I’m a lesbian in a great relationship but obsessed with the idea of intercourse with other females | Family |

Im a lady of 33 as well as have been in a commitment with an other woman for eight many years. Our very own commitment is fantastic. She’s gorgeous and in addition we couldn’t be more suitable – every thing i’d like in somebody and much more. Everyone loves the lady and wish to remain with each other for good. It is far from great but In my opinion there is a good, communicative, personal commitment. There is nothing I would change.

But over the last number of years i have come to be increasingly obsessed by notion of sex with some one brand-new, or in other words the fact I never ever will once again. Once I’ve seen problems along these lines asked before, the clear answer constantly is apparently there should be some thing lacking in the relationship. But I really don’t believe there’s. All of our sex-life is right and then we take to something new. Its virtually that pleasure of someone brand new that’s overpowering my personal mind.

I don’t want to cheat, and not would, but I have got to the point where each and every time We satisfy another being a gay woman, I think of the idea, even when she actually is perhaps not my personal type. Before I got along with my personal partner, I rejected my sexuality. It had been just through falling obsessed about the woman as one of my friends that I became obligated to admit it. I’m not sure if this sounds like because I never ever dated other females, which I’ve never actually had that connection with noticing who I fancy inside the regular adolescent means.

Another possibility is that before we met up, I got some mental issues and united states acquiring collectively was the essential magical and delighted period of my life. Maybe I’m seeking this «new love/new gender» as a type of escapism. I’ve mentioned this using my partner (not fully admitting my personal obsession but claiming i’m I wish to have sex with some body brand new). She is very understanding and in addition we discussed ensuring all of our love life never ever got lifeless. In order to see why i am battling in order to comprehend this sensation and endeavor further to know just how to move it.

Everything you think is normal. You can findn’t a lot of people in a long-lasting relationship – if they’re becoming truthful and just have any imagination – withn’t pondered exactly what sex with someone brand-new will be like, or pondered regarding the fact that they may do not have gender with someone new again.

Many times it helpful to review
this different article we blogged
. Although the subject-matter (ways to get over an ex) does not bother you, it goes into what are the results when we fall-in really love, which is why new people – or perhaps the thought of all of them – are incredibly interesting.

I contacted household and partners therapist Stefan Walters (
), which thinks this is «less regarding the union, much more about grieving a feeling of childhood while the new».

Without a doubt, usually once we are on the brink of the latest responsibilities, either planning to get hitched, or moving in with each other, or have actually a child, or that our interactions go into a fresh, deeper period, we can begin to panic and imagine, »

Is this it

?» It doesn’t signify such a thing is missing, just that we’re adjusting to that particular modification.

You are not looking for permission for an event – as some audience perform – but Walters thinks you might be «looking for authorization to manufacture your own sweetheart your daily life spouse».

Fantasy is a wonderful and effective thing. Nothing fails within our fantasies and everything is just as we wish them to end up being. But reality never ever lives to dream. But, for many folks you’ll want to have dreams so long as one doesn’t think they truly are a premonition.

Walters thinks it’s important to not ever «frame the connection since the enemy» (not that you may be yet). When anyone do this and look for pleasure outside it, they could fracture off and commence carrying out countless something new themselves, until they come to be thus self-reliant your relationship is actually a weight. While itis important to retain a sense of self and do something new all on your own, you’ll want to do things as part of a few, as well. «For those who have brand new encounters collectively [not always sexual],» states Walters, «you obtain a massive launch of dopamine. Thus ensure you carry out something new with each other.»

Walters additionally believes that possibly because this is your first lesbian experience, you may feel you’re really missing out. This will occur to individuals who hook up and their basic lover, but, reassures Walters, «Maybe you have struck silver first time.»

In addition, he highlights that everyone undergoes lulls within their union and that is regular. And that means you don’t need to talk within the excellence of it continuously. Genuine interactions commonly best.

Below are a few various other methods Walters and that I need to advise for your requirements:
Mating in Captivity by Estelle Perel
and also the
Ted chat that Helen Fisher offered on «why we love and exactly why we cheat»
. Both are fascinating and explain exactly how at chances lasting interactions tend to be with human nature.

You could also discover of use the feature
How exactly to have sexual intercourse with similar person throughout your life
, which had been printed in family members on 16 April.

Your own dilemmas solved

Get in touch with Annalisa Barbieri, The Guardian, Kings destination, 90 York Way, London N1 9GU or mail annalisa.barbieri@mac.com. Annalisa regrets she cannot come right into individual correspondence.

Follow Annalisa on Twitter

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